we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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