He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
