Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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