I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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