Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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