I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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