Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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