The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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