history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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