I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
