I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
