Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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