I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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