when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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