I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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