I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
