??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
