Princesses don't give blow jobs
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
