her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Redeem this text for a blowjob
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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