Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
