If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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