I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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