Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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