I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
