Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
