My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
