Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
