Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
