I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
