Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
