Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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