I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
