This is not my ceiling
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
