Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
