i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
