I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
