I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
