You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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