So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
