he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need moral support for this bender
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
