Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
