help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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