Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
