This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
