One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
