well I can't set my house on fire every night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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