Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
