I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything