I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?