if only i could text you this smell
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to