i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…