His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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