Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So vagazzling was a success
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