He asked me if I "almost moaned"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
