Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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