Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
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