i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My bed smells like the plague
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