The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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