and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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