somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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