hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
